The heel of her glossy teal shoes sank into the grass. Her eyes moved from one stone to the next as they
walked. Dates and names formed a
tornado as they swirled around in her mind. His fingers tugged her to keep
going. She wanted to ask, but she knew from the quiver in his touch that he was excited about where he was taking her. Her eyes were reading 1819- 1851 when her
nose bumped his shoulder. She stepped to the left of him to see why he stopped. Looking
down at the tombstone, she found the Jensen’s names, birth, and death dates
written together. June 5, 2010 was written as both Boyd and Debora's death date. Underneath it was written: “Fifty years married, but together forever and ever.”
Monday, February 13, 2012
Calisthenics Week 4
So, in class we were talking about tone and we were to come up with a scenario that is more concrete than these concepts. I chose "forever and ever." I tried to think of a scenerio that we wouldn't really think of when it came to forever and ever. That led me to the graveyard. No guy takes a date to the graveyard in order to really show her what forever and ever looks like. I hope I didn't go overboard.
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The little details here make the story. The glossy teal heels, his fingers tugging at hers, how her nose bumps his shoulder. The only sentence that seemed too long was "She wanted to ask, but she knew from the quiver in his touch that he was excited about where he was taking her."
ReplyDeleteThere are too many pronouns...she, she, his, he, he, her. Try to shorten it and cut out most of the pronouns and I think this sentence will work better in terms of the context of the entire piece.
BTW, I would love to go to a graveyard for a date. But I'm a wierdo. I have this collection of tombstone and church pictures I keep on my computer. I think that dead people would like the company...
I like that you tried to change the tone by changing the scene where we usually think of ‘forever and ever’ being said and thought. I think that you lose some of that shock factor of the graveyard by having the text end in this romantic moment where this dead couple stays together. Maybe if you made the female character a little more frightened and less willing to follow her partner it would make it even more toned down. Also how could you show his excitement? What about his walk and the quiver in his finger make her know how he is feeling? I think there is a lot of potential in this piece because of how specific and the unavailable writing fodder you have from this scene you constructed.
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