Shithole
The bright orange door stuns the eye.
Your body rumbles in unparalleled discomfort
As the Occupied sign is so unholy.
Rotten stench tries to cradle your nose
As your eyes begin to flame.
The chamber door opens and
the welcoming committee of flies swarm
to greet you.
Closing the plastic wall behind you,
your Frosty Flakes from the morning madness
lurch to meet your dry tongue.
Moving fast you drop your drawers
to escape the flimsy torture chamber
to pure clean air.
Your nose is screaming for freedom,
yet in the end you shit
your cares into the
chasm of waste and
remain calm for just one moment
of relief.
I know we are supposed to act like this is a workshop piece, but I have to say thing before I start to act like it: This is amazing :). Ok, Now I can continue.
This piece exudes urgency, which is fitting because it's a piece about the bathroom. The occupied sign being unholy while the "rotten stench tries to cradle your nose" and "your eyes begin to flame" really causes some intense imagery. The flaming eyes is a nice play on the cliche of "your eyes begin to burn." The shitting away of your cares into the chasm of waste really captures language for me because "chasm of waste" is so proper and yet you are talking about shit and you even use that word in the same phrase. Intense then you back off.
Though, maybe you could make the last two lines a little bit more cinematic. Maybe show the relief and calm or even play on the fact that the bathroom smells so bad but in that moment you don't care. Maybe something like, "and for one moment you almost/can smell Febreeze." Though I know that example isn't very good. Maybe just something that shows the relief a little more.
Great job!
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