There are uneven stripes on the couch. Light blue, white, light blue, black, white, then lastly comes the dried blood color. The pattern starts all over again after that. I don't really like the uneven stripes. It's the little OCD quirk I carry with me. I like everything to be even, to make sense as it were. This couch obviously doesn't fit that description. Yet, I keep staring at it because it's better than watching the characters on the screen. Or watching my boyfriend's hand control which door the one character goes into next. Normally, I can drag on watching the characters for an hour or two until he gets it out of his system; but, this time I can't stand it. Every time the character fights with another enemy, I hope the other character wins. It physically pains me to watch his character stand victorious while holding his winnings between those nubby little fingers.
But matter how much it causes me to remove a layer off my back molars, I keep my mouth shut. No point in making him hang out with me when he's got his virtual life to lead. So I stare at this uneven couch memorizing the uneven stripes. Light blue, white, light blue..
I know you were pissed but I had to smile reading this. I'm the gamer in my family and I had to quit playing World Of Warcraft because it was literally consuming all my spare time. Using the word "character" kills the scene for me. If you can find a way to describe or name the character, that would make this much much better. I like the parallell between the beginning and end. Oh, and I liked the use of the "dried blood color."
ReplyDeleteHey Kay.
ReplyDeleteThis text is captivating because the introduction is uncanny. The detailed description is a great example of micro-specificity - taking an object and describing it in great detail. This is a technique I want to employ. How does one apply micro-specificity to a person's face? Secondarily, the narrator's ruminations about her boyfriend's gaming is clearly shown, without devolving to simple explanation. The text allows me to fill in the details about the tensions in the room.
For a next draft, I would suggest that the game being played be described in more detail (as April has noted above). I also suggest that other scenes be created to display the narrator's OCD quirks, and relation to her boyfriend or other individuals. What are more details like the "dried blood color" around the room?
Keep it up.
thank you :) I did a second draft for my week 4 free entry. See what you think of that if you can find the time please. I would like your opinion on that.
ReplyDeleteI will have to employ your recommendation that I take out some of the gaming bit on my next draft I haven't thought about adding more OCD explanation. I'll see what I can do. I did try in my last draft to describe what game he was playing. I had to look up the details of Fable lol.