I decided for my free entry I would work on some more
showing and not telling. I’m choosing a scenario that I’ve experienced just
recently and decided to try and put into words.
Scenario: Cashier impatiently
waits for the last customer to leave the store because she wants to go home.
Her pen bends under
the pressure of her white knuckles. She paces in her boxed prison murmuring the list
scrolling in her brain.
Homework.
Eating.
Sleeping.
The list continues.
The clicking of her heels pause for a moment while she searches for the floating
head among the clothes. The scrape of metal against metal grates her eardrums as
she spies the woman still hunting for the hidden gold among the coals. Too bad
it’s fool’s gold. The clicking within the jail cell continues.
“Attention customers!
The time is now nine ten and we are now closed. Please at this time bring all
your final selections to the front-“
The manager’s voice
drones. He knows her payment is past due too. His pacing has begun to match her
own. Yet, he isn’t stuck behind a machine. Mercifully, she watches as the head
starts to bob closer and closer to her register. When she reaches the end where
it’s time to reveal the treasures of her labors, she finds only the jingling
keys grasped between her fingers. Tim’s arm swings the door as she retreats into
the darkness. The lock clicks. Both their foreheads unwrinkled at the sound.
The Brave heart
motto screams into the air: Freedom!
Here again, manage your tone. "Boxed prison" is probably too high on the thermometer. Ratchet it down a bit, and I think you'll find that your writing will become more supple.
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