I'm responding to Taylor's Free Entry 1 (week 2)
I really like this entry. My favorite part of the entry was the
end when you wrote:
I turn
and step over,
onto the scattering ants
feeling intense humor,
a surge of sick happiness,
flow over me
like the waves of dirt
flowing through the crevices
and hallways of the mind.
and step over,
onto the scattering ants
feeling intense humor,
a surge of sick happiness,
flow over me
like the waves of dirt
flowing through the crevices
and hallways of the mind.
I like how you the created a simile between the sick
happiness and the waves of dirt flowing through the mind. It was a great
connection I think.
The only thing I would change would be: straight as an arrow
It is a cliché. I would put in maybe “straight as the lines
they make” or something like that.
Other than that, I really liked it! You’re doing a good job
with your writing!
Thank you Kay for your idea to change the "straight as an arrow." I read it back over and thought "oh man! It's a cliche!" Your suggestion makes it sound much better.
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