This is a response to David's free entry.
Entry:
Look at him, another blonde buzz cut.
This isn't even my event; I should have won kata. I'm much better at attacking
imaginary targets, but Talky MacChubsters here stole that one from me. Good
thing he's wearing the red gloves and belt today 'cause I'm feeling like a
Spanish bull. Sure he's about 4 inches taller than me, but I can cover the four
corners of the ring a lot quicker than he can. Especially with this sparring
gi, it's like I'm wearing packing foam, white and weightless.
Hajime! The referee calls out
"Go!" in Japanese. Finally. I dance around like a boxer, relaxed and
shifting my weight from my front leg to the back one and then back again. My
hands are up in front of my face; Hasaan would never let me forget that. If I
had to float around the ring for the entirety of the 7 minutes, I could. But I
have to score points to win, so I throw out a couple of jabs to see how fast he
is, what his tells are, how my reach compares to his. Suddenly, I feel a like
someone swung a bag of still-drying cement up under my ribs. Did I just get
kicked in the lungs? I drop to one knee and throw one of my blue gloves up to
let everyone know that hurt more than is should have. One of rules is to
"demonstrate control," that's a violation of the "excessive
force" rule. So no flipping that score card, Mr. Scorekeeper.
Yes, Mrs. ... why are you wearing a
business suit in a fighting ring? Anyway, I'm not done playing with this guy.
He stole my gold medal, and I want one to replace it. So I throw three scoring
punches: one to the cheek, one to his open chest, and one right between his
naive eyes to let him know who has the skills to take 1st place at nationals.
I didn't ride that rickety excuse for a plane to go home without a gold. After
all the time is up and no scoring points for the last 2 minutes - I knew he
couldn't keep up with me - I finally get to walk up to the business suit lady,
hear "Beginners Fighting National Champion!" and have her put the
red, white, and blue cord around my neck. I'll remember the weight of this
medal, even though it should be two golds.
Response:
I really liked David’s free
entry. I like the tone he puts into this entry. As a reader, I can definitely
get a clear sense of the narrator. The beginning was perfect! “Look at him,
another buzz cut” really causes the reader to feel his guy’s contempt for this
other guy. Then, as he continued, the narrator gives enough information to
explain how the other guy “stole” the gold medal away from the narrator without
going into a tangent. He makes it pertinent to this moment in the ring. I also
loved how he said that he was feeling “like a Spanish bull.” That really
carries a heavy image for the reader because we can see him charging at this
other guy in the ring. It’s written just like someone would think, but has a
lot of “showing” within the text.
Good job, David!
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