On Saturday he came back with tulips
That he knew would her smile,
& asked her to retitle their relationship,
Again. I told her congratulations with a smile
That I save for grandma's handmade sweaters every year for Christmas
That I save for grandma's handmade sweaters every year for Christmas
As I ached to remind her that Ben and Jerry’s Rocky Road
Never undid the goodbyes.
This piece has a lot of potential. It is intriguing, the topic that is. It slowly draws the reader in with the mystery of this "Mrs. Wilson". The strength here in this draft is in its specificity, for example the "Ben and Jerry's rocky road" reference and how the smile was described as the smile "saved for grandma's sweaters at Christmas." It does a great job of adding these smirky remarks that are pretty much specific enough to create a mental picture.
ReplyDeleteThere are some minor weakness the piece has two places were "smile" is the enjambment, so it sort of seems redundant. I can't wait for the next draft.
I'll have to redo the smile part since there are two like you said. Thank you for telling me. I didn't even think about that.
ReplyDeleteThough, the Mrs. Wilson is my other one. lol.