Peer Response #1 Week 7

My response is on Brittany's free entry for this week

Fanta

All of the guys are swarming me with the look a predator gives its prey, twenty lions against one gazelle. "I'm here to see Coach Carter for the statistics." They all return to their monstrous game, while a man around 5'7 with short hair and a black Nike collar shirt tells me to hold on. I stand awkwardly in the corner while orange fireballs were being thrown left to right. My only comfort the strawberry Fanta I bought in this foreign location's vending machine. The Coach opens the door, I begin to walk towards him when a ball, with the perfectly geometric angle of doom, bounces from the plastic hardwood to the bottom of my can, drowning me in strawberry goodness. Every "sharp tooth" laughs and suddenly I remember a  similar situation the last time I ventured outside the my comfort zone.  

I thought this was a good start to a short story. I’ll be interested to see how this piece continues. I thought the title of the piece was very fitting. Though, I thought the beginning when the narrator says, “All the guys are swarming me” could become stronger. Instead of having the “are swarming” it could change into “All the guys swarm me.” It comes off more intense and predatory, which I assume was what you were going for since you then talked about predator and prey. I thought you were very specific when it came to the 5’7 guy wearing a Nike shirt. The fact that the narrator just said that he told her to hold on instead of using dialogue reminded me of our conversation in class about when and when not to use dialogue in a piece. My favorite line in the piece was when the ball hit her drink and splashed “strawberry goodness” onto her. I liked it so much because of the specificity and the fact that it was followed up with her remembering a similar scene the last time she tried to come out of her comfort zone. In the next draft, will you talk about that scene? I’m interested to see a next draft.